Will therapy change my religious beliefs?

On my page for Jewish clients I put it this way: "My goal is to support your goals. Whether you want to deepen your religious connection, step back, or explore what feels right for you, we'll work together toward the life you want."

That isn't a promise that nothing about you will change. I work with Jewish clients across the spectrum, including people whose relationship to religion is changing. What a good therapist owes you is that any shift is yours, at your pace, and never a destination the therapist chose for you.

What therapy does work on

Therapy does work on beliefs of one kind. In my work, that means understanding the beliefs you developed about yourself, the patterns you keep repeating and the ways you learned to cope, and then working on changing them. CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), one of the methods I use, spots the automatic thoughts behind anxiety, perfectionism or self-doubt and can help you build steadier ones.

Those are beliefs about you: that one mistake means you failed, or that holding the family together is your job alone. Your faith and your practice are a different matter, from what you believe to how you keep Shabbos (the Sabbath). Even in a structured method like CBT, you and the therapist choose the goals together, and it isn't the therapist's place to tell you what to believe or how to keep your practice.

Sometimes the two sit close together. A rule can be hard to keep, or a family expectation can arrive in religious language. When that happens, the therapy works on the feelings and the conflict, and a question of halacha (Jewish law) goes to your own rav (your rabbi). With your permission, I'm glad to speak with your rav.

Why the worry makes sense

It has a history. An article in Jewish Action, the Orthodox Union's magazine, says observant Jews have good reason to watch for a therapist's bias in matters of religion. The author calls early psychoanalysis disdainful of faith and practice, and notes a shift in that attitude over the decades since. She also points out that a therapist sits in a sensitive position to influence a client who looks to them for advice and approval [Jewish Action, 2003].

An article on the Orthodox Union's site adds that clinicians can misjudge religious behavior as a sign of illness, so the fear of being misjudged may be well founded [Loewenthal, OU, 2013].

If you're stepping back from observance, you're owed the same restraint from a frum (religiously observant) therapist that an observant client is owed from a secular one.

What respect looks like in a session

• Your goals, in your words. There's no rigid formula in how I work: your plan is built around your life, in a way that fits your values and goals.
• Your practice treated as part of your life. Shabbos, yom tov (the holidays) and keeping kosher come into the room the way your job or your family does, as facts of your life. A therapist may ask about them, as they'd ask about your work, and how you keep them isn't theirs to decide.
• Room for any question, with no direction attached. Jewish Action says nothing is off limits in therapy, with clinical tact setting how deep to go [Jewish Action, 2003]. Doubts, frustration with a rule, a wish to take on more: you can bring any of it. Looking at a question with you is different from answering it for you.
• Privacy for what you say. What you share about your religious life stays confidential. I don't pass it to family, a shadchan (a matchmaker) or anyone else without your permission. The only exceptions are a risk of harm to yourself or others, or where the law requires it; the confidentiality guide explains them.

What to ask before you start

Ask these on a first call, mine included.

1. How do we decide what we work on? Listen for goals set together, in your own words.
2. What happens if religion comes up and it isn't why I came? A good answer treats it as part of your life and lets you decide how much of it you talk about.
3. What if my relationship to religion changes while we work, in either direction? Listen for an answer that leaves the direction with you.
4. Would you ever tell me what I should believe or observe? The answer you want is no, with questions of halacha sent to your rav.

The guide to finding a therapist who understands Orthodox Judaism has more, including the question Jewish Action suggests: how a therapist feels about working with observant clients [Jewish Action, 2003].

After the call, the same article suggests a gut check, with questions such as these: did the therapist put you at ease, did you feel understood, and did you feel this person could help you? If most of the answers are no, its advice is to look elsewhere [Jewish Action, 2003].

If a therapist does push

A push isn't always loud. It can be a therapist who keeps treating your observance as the problem after you've said it isn't, who adds a religious goal you didn't set, or who warms up when you move one way and cools when you move the other.

Say it in the session, plainly: "That isn't one of my goals." A good therapist should take that seriously and adjust, because the goals were yours from the start. If it keeps happening, you're free to stop and find someone else. You don't owe anyone a long explanation for leaving.

If the push came on a point of halacha, take the question to your rav.

What to do this week

• Write one sentence on what you want from therapy, in your own words.
• Write a second on anything in your religious life you want left alone unless you bring it up.
• If your relationship to religion is changing, note where it stands today, without deciding where it should end up.
• Pick two of the four questions above for your first call.

When to reach out

If you'd like to hear how I'd work toward your goals, ask me in a free 15-minute consult, online for adults in California and New York; you don't need to know where you stand on religion first.