How do you find a therapist who understands Orthodox Judaism?

Start with names from people you trust, your rav (your rabbi) included, then put every name through the same checks. The rest of this guide is those checks: what "understands" looks like in a session, how to weigh a frum therapist against one from outside the community, the questions to ask on the first call, and how to confirm a license in a few minutes.

What "understands" looks like in practice

Mostly, it means you don't spend your sessions explaining. You can mention Shabbos (the Sabbath), yom tov (the holidays), keeping kosher, a shidduch date (a date arranged toward marriage) or a family simcha (a celebration) without stopping for a lesson, and the therapist follows. An article in Jewish Action, the Orthodox Union's magazine, describes that wish in so many words: a therapist you don't have to spend your time teaching the culture of observant life to [Jewish Action, 2003].

It also means your religious life isn't treated as the problem. An article on the Orthodox Union's site says the fear of being misjudged can be well founded, and gives an example: an observant man who declined to shake a psychiatrist's hand on religious grounds was diagnosed as withdrawn [Loewenthal, OU, 2013]. Someone who understands observant life is less likely to mistake a practice for a symptom.

And it means the work follows your goals. Some people want to deepen their observance, some are stepping back, and some aren't sure yet. A therapist who understands doesn't have a direction in mind for you.

A frum therapist, or one from outside the community

Both choices have something going for them, and writers in Orthodox publications say so.

A frum therapist (an Orthodox Jewish therapist) may share your references from the first minute. The Orthodox Union article reports the view, held by some clinicians, that observant clients are best understood by someone from a similar background, and the Jewish Action piece says plainly that some people can only do the work with an openly frum therapist [Loewenthal, OU, 2013; Jewish Action, 2003].

A therapist from outside the community can be easier on privacy. The same OU article says many observant clients choose outside help for that reason: they don't want to be sitting next to their therapist at a simcha the next evening, or to tell their secrets to someone from their own community [Loewenthal, OU, 2013]. Jewish Action raises a quieter question too: when therapist and client are both frum, do they end up steering around the religious conflicts that most need talking about [Jewish Action, 2003]?

Where the two sources agree is on the order of the questions. Jewish Action puts clinical excellence, compassion and respect for religious life first, treats the fit between you and the therapist as the foundation, and leaves whether the therapist is observant to your own comfort [Jewish Action, 2003]. A Mishpacha feature makes the same point from the other direction: a veteran psychologist in it says that for many, all they want to know is how frum the therapist is, and that people rarely ask how much experience a therapist has [Mishpacha, 2015].

The decision is yours, and a good therapist on either side of it should respect the one you make.

The questions to ask before you commit

Most of these come from the Mishpacha feature and the Jewish Action article. Ask them on the first call, and keep it short; the longer conversation is the session.

1. Are you licensed, and in which states? The letters after a name usually name a license, and a license comes from a state. In California the common ones are LCSW, LMFT and LPCC; in New York, LCSW, LMHC and LMFT; psychologists and psychiatrists are licensed separately. "Counselor" or "coach" on its own may not mean a license, and a licensed therapist answers to a board.
2. How much experience do you have with what I'm dealing with? Anxiety, a marriage strain, family pressure: name the actual thing, and ask what training they have for it.
3. Which methods do you use, and why for this? You're listening for a reason, not a list.
4. How do you feel about working with observant clients? The Jewish Action article suggests asking this directly [Jewish Action, 2003]. Notice how the answer lands, not just what it says.
5. What happens when something touches halacha (Jewish law)? A good answer leaves the halachic question with your own rav and keeps the therapy on its side of the line. In the OU article an observant therapist puts it this way: guidance on Jewish law isn't the therapist's job, and it has to come from a rav the client trusts [Loewenthal, OU, 2013].
6. What do you share, with whom, and when? If privacy is the biggest worry, the confidentiality guide lists what to ask.

Ask me these too. I'd rather you did.

Check the license yourself

This takes a few minutes and needs no one's permission. In California, the Board of Behavioral Sciences sends you to the Department of Consumer Affairs license search, which covers LCSWs, LMFTs and LPCCs. In New York, the Office of the Professions has a verification search for the professions it licenses, social work included. Look for an active license in the state where you'll be during sessions. My own license numbers are in the footer of every page on this site, so you can start with me.

After the first conversation

The Jewish Action article suggests a short check afterwards: did the therapist put you at ease, answer your questions, ask about your history, and leave you feeling your confidentiality was protected [Jewish Action, 2003]? If most of the answers are yes, that's a good start. If something felt off, it's fine to try someone else. Fit is allowed to matter.

What to do this week

• Write down the one thing you most need a therapist to understand without being told.
• Ask two or three people you trust for names, and check each license.
• Have a short call with each, and ask the six questions above.
• Afterwards, write one line on how each call felt, before you talk yourself out of it.

When to reach out

I work with Jewish clients from secular, Reform and Conservative to Modern Orthodox, Chabad and Orthodox, online in New York and California. If you'd like to ask me these questions, the free 15-minute consult is the place to do it.